stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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