my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
