So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
