my phone needs a breathalizer
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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