but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
birth control should be required to get into college
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So vagazzling was a success
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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