I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
