On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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