Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
