Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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