he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
