Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
