You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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