Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
