hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
