Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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