if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
