I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
