...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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