So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
