Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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