is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
