Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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