My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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