I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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