Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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