hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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