Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
