I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
