I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
