i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
