My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
