its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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