it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize