i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
