Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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