I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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