i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
