my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
