Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
