yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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