we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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