We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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