Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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