So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
