Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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