Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
