How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
