I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Let's paint friendship bongs
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
