im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
