you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
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Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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