Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
