cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I bet he comes in French.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am midnight drunk by noon
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
