Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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