If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
