she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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