She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
